I am your instructor for this course and the author of the ESSENCE Magazine bestselling book “Letters to Young Black Men” and the national bestselling book “Letters to Young Black Women.” My wife, Meriqua Whyte, and my eldest daughter, Daniella Whyte, co-authored “Letters to Young Black Women” with me. My daughter (who has two bachelor’s degrees in psychology and religion and a master’s degree in human services counseling—executive leadership and a second master’s degree in developmental psychology) and her mother, developed the Study Guide. We are using Letters to Young Black Women and its study guide to guide you through this course. This course is for all young women, but especially for young black women and young women of color who oftentimes face disadvantages that others do not. The goal of this class is to help you operate from a position of strength and power based upon the Word of God so you can be victorious in life. My prayer is that this class will empower you to win against your enemies: the devil, sorry men, and even yourself.
Today, we will begin our study, “IF YOU DESIRE TO GET MARRIED, HERE IS HOW TO GET A GOOD MAN” (Letter Twenty-Seven).
— First, Let’s Pray —
Allow me to begin with a quote from Jay Adams. He said: “A vital Christian, radiating that hidden beauty of the heart, is more attractive to the right sort of Christian man (the only kind you want) than the raving beauty who is hollow within. A woman who is developing her domestic abilities, who is reasonably attractive, and who is a vital Christian in her own right is an irresistible person.”
Now, please pull out your text and your digital study guide or follow along on the screen. First, I will read a portion of the corresponding letter from the book, Letters to Young Black Women. Then we will proceed with this lesson:
Dear Daughters & YBW:
As I have said to you many times, if I were a woman, I wouldn’t be bothered with getting married. I would get my education, pursue my purpose in life, do missionary work, travel, and just have myself a grand old time. However, I am not a woman. What women see in men, I have no clue, but that is how God has wired us. He made men to be attracted to women, and women to be attracted to men. (Even though today, we have many men and women who are getting it all twisted — if you know what I mean.)
Be that as it may, if you want to get married to a great man, a man who will love the Lord and who will love you, here is what you need to do:
1. Start praying to God now for the husband He wants you to have. God still answers prayer. Jesus Christ said in Matthew 7:7: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”Daughters, from the time your mother, Meriqua, was a little girl, she prayed for and desired a preacher as a husband, and that is what she got. (Only she did not specify what kind of preacher. You better be specific.)
2. If you want a good man, you must be a good woman. What is a good woman? Well, in short, a good woman is:
a. A woman who is trustworthy. She tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth every time. According to the Scriptures regarding the virtuous woman, the Bible says: “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
b. A woman who knows how to show respect for her man. She has the wisdom to let the man be a man, and she never does anything to embarrass him, at home, or elsewhere. She knows that the main thing a man wants, even above love itself, is respect. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:33: “And the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
c. A good woman knows that she must take care of her husband, her children, and her home before she tries to take care of other people’s business. She is willing to let the job go if it’s taking away from domestic tranquility. Notice what the Bible says in Proverbs 7:11 about the bad woman: “She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house.”
3. Keep yourself pure at all costs. (Please see Letter 25 entitled “On Remaining a Virgin until You Get Married.”) Be pure in your spirit, be pure in your mind, be pure in your heart, and be pure in your body. It is amazing how God makes that pureness to shine through. Have you ever seen a young woman, say around twenty-two, but when you get up close to her, she looks like she is forty-two? Well, that comes from living a fast, impure life. You can’t hide purity, and you can’t hide impurity either.
4. Don’t look for a man. Whatever you do, do not look for a man. When God wants you to get married, He will bring the man to you. Do you remember the stories of Rachel and Rebekah in the Bible, and how God miraculously blessed them with two great men as their husbands? God actually brought their husbands to them; they did not go looking for their husbands. We have absolutely too many young women today on the hunt for good men. The problem with that is if you get a good man, and God is not in it, there will be hell to pay. One of the most pitiful sights in America is a desperate black woman.
5. Plan your life to be with a man, and plan your life to be without a man. I say this because I do not want you to feel badly about yourself if you don’t get married. The truth of the matter is that there are not that many good black men to choose from, and that is no fault of God’s or yours. It is the fault of the choices that many young black men have made. We have too many young black men in jail; we have too many young black men who are homosexuals; and we have too many young black men who won’t finish high school and attend college, and therefore, can’t support a family if they had one.
6. Trust the Lord! I am afraid that we have many young women today who go to church on Sunday, and say that they trust in the Lord, but they really don’t. They go right on out of the church and try to make things happen themselves.
7. If you do the right thing, you will be in the right place, at the right time. Always walk in the will of God, and He’ll put you in the right place at the right time. God’s Word says in Psalm 37:4: “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
These are just some thoughts that will help you get the man that God wants you to have.
With Lots of Love,
P.T. (Power Thoughts):
“Do not open your heart to every man, but discuss your affairs with one who is wise and who fears God.” —Thomas à Kempis
BIBLE GEM: “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.” —Song of Solomon 8:7
TALK TO GOD: Holy Father, I pray that if it is Your will, that You would send me the husband that You want me to have. I pray that in the meantime, You would make me into the godly, virtuous, and caring woman that You want me to be. Prepare my future husband for me and me for him, and I leave the rest of the details up to You. In Your Holy name. Amen
BOOK: Jacob and Rachel: The Greatest Love Story, by Helen Wood
CHECK IT OUT: www.michellehammond.com
You may have heard the saying, “You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.” Young ladies, simply desiring a Christian husband is not enough. If you want a godly man to be your husband, be a godly woman. If you want a faithful man to be your husband, be a virtuous woman. If you want a man of purpose to be your husband, be a woman of purpose. If you live by low standards, don’t expect to attract people—certainly not a mate—of high standards. Before wondering ‘Where’s my Boaz?’, become a Ruth. If you want to meet an Isaac, make sure you are a Rebekah. Outside of extraordinary circumstances, you will draw into your life circle people who align with your values based on how you carry yourself. Of course, this approach is not altogether foolproof, meaning it does not 100% ensure that you will meet and marry a godly, successful man. Many good girls and first-class women have been messed over by guys who, on the surface, seemed to be on par with their love for the Lord, outward success, etc, but who were secretly living a double life. Once the woman is deceived into marrying him, the fairytale falls apart. So, make sure that you regularly pray to God for guidance before making a decision on who to marry. And trust Him when he speaks.
Here are more points to consider on this topic from Holding Hands and Holding Hearts by Richard and Sharon Phillips: “A Christian woman is to seek a man who is: 1. Regular at church… A believing man who often cannot make time to faithfully attend and to be a contributing member of a church is not a likely candidate for the obligations and challenges of marriage. 2. A man of the Word of God, a man of prayer, and a man who delights in worship. 3. A man after God’s own heart. 4. [A possessor of] specific character traits [such as] industry… integrity…self-control…[and] kindness. …A redeemed woman is one who has entered into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ through faith. Her sins are forgiven, and she knows God’s love. She fears the Lord realizing that blessing for her comes through obedience to His Word. His commands are not burdensome to her and her heart is not set on worldly treasures. She attends regular worship and approaches her life with prayer. She enjoys healthy fellowship with other believers and bears observable fruit in ministry to others. She answers God’s calling in her life while single, not waiting for marriage to give her happiness or purpose. …Take a look, then, at what you are presenting to men and ask what kind of man you will attract. If you are relying on charm and outward beauty, setting them forth in your dress and flirtatious conduct, then realize that it is only the foolish man who will fall into your trap. Especially if you are loud or contentious, realize that the Bible specifically warns men against falling for you. The godly man, the man who will make a loving and faithful husband, sees you and turns away. How much better for you to trust the Lord and cultivate those spiritual beauties that are calculated to draw a man of godly character and real wisdom and, better still, that are certain to make you precious in the sight of our loving Lord and God. …What matters most is not finding the one right person but becoming the person that God wants you to be. Before judging the man or woman you are with – scrutinizing and appraising every attribute and characteristic, as if you were buying a horse – you ought instead to scrutinize your own heart. Here are some questions to ask before an engagement to marriage:
1. What would it mean for me to love him or her in accordance with the Bible’s teaching?
2. Am I willing to commit myself to anyone “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health?”
3. Can I be steadfast in fidelity and servant-hearted in ministry?
4. Is God leading our lives in similar directions?
5. Do we have similar goals and ideas about children?
The issue is not whether you can find someone worthy of your love, but whether you are ready to give a love that is worthy of marriage.”
Take some time now to honestly evaluate who you are as a woman and what you are advertising to the world with your conduct in anticipation of marrying a good and godly man.
In the next class, we will begin our study, “THE CASE FOR NEVER GETTING MARRIED.”
Now, like many of you, I grew up in a very religious and church-going family, and during that time, I often heard the phrase “Being Saved.” Now, much of what church people said “being saved” was back then especially, in my community, is wrong according to the Bible. I wrote an article about it titled “On ‘Being Saved’ in Black America” which is available for you to read free of charge on our website, gospellightsociety.com. Right now, I want to share with you very briefly what the Bible says “being saved” really is.
First, understand that you need to be saved because you are a sinner. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
Second, understand that a horrible punishment — eternal Hell — awaits those who are not saved. In Matthew 25:41, Jesus Christ said that God will say to those who are not saved, “depart from me ye cursed into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels.”
Third, realize that God loves you very much and wants to save you from Hell. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” If you want to be saved from Hell and be guaranteed a home in Heaven, simply believe in Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose from the dead for your sins, and then call upon Him in prayer and ask Him to save your soul. And believe me, He will.
Romans 10:9-13 says, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” That is the most important decision you will ever make.
God bless you and keep you until we meet for our next class.