Ronald McCray on My Journey Out of the LGBT Community

Like many in the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community, I used to ask myself can God change me? More specifically, I wanted to know if He — God, The Creator of the Universe, possessing all power in heaven and in earth — could take away my attractions for the same sex. I prayed and prayed to that end asking God to remove these seemingly innate desires, but there was no change. Although I was raised in the Church, the reality of my same-sex attraction caused me to question my Christian identity. I questioned whether or not I’d ever experience a change of affections, as if that was the only issue I faced as a sinner in need of redemption from my sin nature. I questioned if I’d ever experience marriage, a family? 

All I knew was I had these attractions that I didn’t ask for. If God could change a gay-identified person, I had not seen any examples. That is, until years later, God would shift the very foundations of my life and reveal Himself to me in a way that was undeniable. He told me He’d make me the change I desired to see. I lived my life as a gay-identified man for six years. I never imagined being married to a man. Gay marriage wasn’t even recognized as an institution at that time.

But even if it was, I don’t think I could’ve gone that far. I did, however, want to be loved by a man. And sometimes I thought I had found love. However, for one reason or another, the relationships never lasted very long. Once lust was fulfilled, it was on to the next one. My understanding of love was me giving my body away. The more of myself I gave, the more of myself I lost. I had become addicted to sex.

I was in and out of vehicles looking for the next high. Sex was the hit I needed to convince myself that I am worth something to someone, even if it was just for a few moments. I felt wanted for however long the encounter lasted. From one man to the next, I held on to the hope that I’d find love that would satisfy the emptiness I was feeling inside. I couldn’t deny the void I felt within. But I couldn’t explain it. The clubs, the parties, the men — none of it could fulfill me in the way I longed for. My heart was crying out for something deeper than the shallow experiences of the one-night stands, something more consistent than the frequent relationship changes, and something of more value than the desire of being wanted by men I didn’t know.

One night, my friends and I were preparing to head to the Paradox, a gay nightclub in Baltimore, MD. We had a few shots before going into the club. The club was packed as usual. The music was blasting, sweaty bodies were touching, and there were beaming lights piercing through the steam rising to the ceiling of the club. I was in my element. While I was out on the dance floor, I heard a voice say to me ‘I have so much more for you.’ I thought maybe I had reached a new level of drunkenness I had never been to before. I am hearing voices!

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SOURCE: Christian Post, Ronald McCray

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