My Family is a Hot Mess, by Frederick D. Haynes III

I repeat the question: was your family a good starting block because they helped get you off to a good start, or was your family a stumbling block because they tried to hinder you? Allow me to park here, and say, if God has blessed you with a strong family background, a praying mother or a praying big mama, somebody who took interest in you, thus providing you with a strong starting block, then that is something to thank God for. If you can look back in your life and note that where you are has a lot to do with the fact that God, in His grace and goodness, looked beyond your faults, saw your needs, and put the right people in your life, at just the right time, who were good starting blocks for you, then you ought to give God praise and be thankful.

On the other hand, there are some of us, if we are honest with ourselves, who started out at a disadvantage because we did not have a family that was a good starting block; instead, they were a stumbling block. They were stumbling blocks because they told us we would never amount to anything. They were stumbling blocks, because, for whatever reason, they rejected us and made us feel as though we did not quite measure up to another sibling or measure up to somebody else. Worse than that, they mistreated us because of baby mama and baby daddy drama. Instead of loving and caring for us, oftentimes, a parent used us as a weapon or bargaining chip. Let me stop here and say, whenever you use your child as a weapon against your baby's daddy or your baby's mama, then that child will grow up and become a weapon. You can probably look back over your life and discover that maybe the reason you are where you are in the race of life is because you did not have a family that gave you a good starting block; instead, they were a stumbling block.

I came across a story that broke my heart. This particular family went on a camping trip during the heat of summer. As they were on this trip, the father, driving along with his wife and their two children made a wrong turn, and then things went dark. Shortly, after making that wrong turn, they discovered that they were on a loop, and consequently they kept going where they had already gone, doing what they had already done, seeing what they had already seen. To make matters worse, not only had it gotten dark, but a sudden storm hit; a flash flood came, literally blinding the view so that the daddy could not see in front of him. He accidentally ran up on something on the side of the road that blew two of his tires. Well, there they were--stuck. After the rain stopped, and with two tires blown, the father said, "Listen, it's dark out here. We don't know what animals are out there. So, I'm going to lock the doors and go search for help." The daddy left momma and his two kids in the car and went in search for help.

In the father's absence, the mother was physically beaten, the daughter was raped, and the son found himself handcuffed, helplessly held by those who were victimizing the daughter, the wife, and himself in the absence of the father. Understand how immensely angry the father was when he got back and found his family had been robbed, his wife beaten, his daughter raped, his son humiliated. When a reporter interviewed the father, he said, "All of this began when I made a wrong turn."

If we look back over our lives, can we be honest enough and admit, that maybe, things went wrong in our family because the person in charge made a wrong turn? Was it your father? Was it your mother? I don't know. But somebody made a wrong turn, and the sad thing is, you are still experiencing the consequences of the choice they made.

I'm going to hang out right here for a little while and exegete this illustration: there is a son who is now humiliated and grows up bitter, feeling insecure, and has an overwhelming sense of guilt because of what he witnessed but could do nothing about. Why? Because Daddy was gone and he had to witness a tragedy happen to his family. What about the poor daughter? The daughter finds herself violated and, of course, that is going to dictate how she interacts with other men in the future. Then there is the wife--battered and beaten. All of them find themselves on the victim end of a tragedy. Why? It all began when Daddy made a wrong turn.

Not only was there a wrong turn made, but they found themselves in a loop. Remember: I said earlier the daddy made a wrong turn and kept going where he had already been, seeing what he had already seen. They were caught up in a never-ending cycle--and a vicious cycle at that. Have you ever felt like you were a part of a vicious cycle, where you kept making the same mistakes; you kept seeing the same old reruns in your life?

I am dealing with this because as we look at our broken village, there are broken families in the broken village. Will you agree with me that the black family is in trouble? When it comes to every negative statistic, black families find themselves at the top of all of those troubling and negative statistics.

When we look at what's going on, we discover that we are in trouble because of what is happening with our black men. Many of our black fathers are either catching hell or

raising hell. In many instances, our black fathers are stressed out and yet they remain strong. In other instances, we have fathers who have just given up and are absent. Other fathers are trying to do the right thing, but they are under attack, and the more they do right, the more evil is present with them. Some fathers are just doing what is wrong, and wrong keeps on following them. 

Then, we have black mothers who also find themselves catching hell. After all, our sisters find themselves distressed and yet they are determined. They find themselves repressed, yet they are resilient. They find themselves stressed, yet they remain strong. How we thank God for our strong, resilient sisters, who refuse to give up! How we thank God for those mothers! Some of you can look at your own life and say, no, daddy wasn't around, but if it hadn't been for a praying mama who prayed me into church when I didn't have enough sense to go to church myself, where would I be? 

Next, look at our poor children. Our children find themselves catching hell as well. They catch hell when they go to schools that are, in too many instances, inferior. We have teachers who cannot teach them and don't know how to deal with African-Americans and the different learning styles that our kids have. Our children are catching hell because, in too many instances, they live in homes where either the father is absent physically, or absent emotionally. (Fathers, just because you are there physically does not mean that you are there spiritually and emotionally.) On top of that, Mama is working so much that she hardly has time to give some love and share some presence, so the kids find themselves being raised either by the television or worse than that, on the internet where they are subjected to sexual perverts and individuals who prey on kids who are alone, abandoned, insecure, and vulnerable.

Our kids find themselves catching hell at home, at school, and in the streets. They are the product of a crack-culture, where their parents, in many instances, experimented with drugs, and now they find themselves with crack in their systems. Somewhere along the way, black folk made a wrong turn; we're caught up in a cycle and we are making our kids pay.

Now, let's turn to our text in Genesis 35:9-15, where we see that Jacob's family was also a hot mess. Not only was his immediate family a hot mess, but he came from a family that was a hot mess.

When Jacob was born, he was named Jacob by his parents. Jacob means: slick, conniving trickster. They named him that because when he came out of the womb he was clutching the heel of his brother, Esau. Understand, in biblical days, names were prophetic. They basically dictated the destiny of that child. Jacob finds himself in a family where his father favors his brother, Esau, and his mama favors him. Now, you know that is a hot mess right there! Can you imagine being a son in a male-dominated culture, and growing up in a household where you desire the affection of your daddy, but your daddy instead favors another sibling?

Your name may not be Jacob, but you know what it is like to grow up in a household, craving the affection, attention, and admiration of a parent, but their attention is someplace else, and you feel rejected by that parent. That is what was going on in Jacob's family. Even though he physically and geographically left that family and went to another area to find his own wife and begin his own family, that hot mess followed him.

If you don't deal with the family issues that you have in your blood stream, then you are going to carry the germs of your family's situation into your new family. I know some of you just couldn't wait to get married so that you could get out of mama's house. Well, if mama's house was a mess, and you came out of that mess, then guess what? If you are not careful, you can carry that mess into your new situation.

Let's take a look at Jacob's family mess: Jacob has two wives and two concubines, and twelve kids by these four different women. Think deeply about that--twelve kids by four different baby mamas, and the baby mamas don't like each other. Jacob really only loves one of them, but he has to put up with the rest of them, and he does because

they all have children by him. And guess what? Because the baby mamas don't like each other, the kids don't like each other either. Now, that is a hot mess indeed!

The Bible says, Jacob has made so many wrong turns, he is caught up in a vicious cycle of dysfunctionality. Chapter thirty-four gives us a vivid description of Jacob's family mess. Because of Jacob's wrong turns, his daughter, Dinah, after going to visit the women of the land, was spotted by Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, and Shechem raped her. After he physically violated her, Shechem decides he wants to marry her. Of course, Dinah's brothers are so upset that they concoct a scheme to get back at Shechem. Shechem falls in love with her, and they say, "okay, if you want to get married to our sister, all of the men in Shechem have to get circumcised." The Book says, while they are vulnerable because of where they have been cut, Jacob's sons now commit mass murder. They murder all the men in Shechem. So now, Jacob has a daughter who has been raped, he has sons who are gangsters, and he has wives who can't stand each other. What a hot mess!

All of us may not have a hot mess like that in our family, but we have some daddies who have strayed, we have some mamas who have been messed over, and we have some bad situations between sisters and brothers. Now, because this hot mess began when he made a wrong turn, Jacob is afraid that those who had been victimized are going to take out their revenge. Is a drive-by going to happen? Will his baby girl get shot?

Now, some of you may have moved into the suburbs and thought you could get away from this problem, but it met you in the suburbs. You have gang activity in high school, middle school, and now they have begun to recruit, even in elementary school. Our kids are subject to gangs, guns, drugs, sexual perverts, and all kinds of negativity outside the home, and then they come home to a hot mess.

You may be wondering, is there any good news for somebody from a bad family? Yes, there is. Pastor John Claypool put it like this: "God is so amazingly good that only God can write straight on crooked lines." God can take the crooked lines of your life, and somehow write something straight on them. Many of you would not be where you are based on your family background. But, God said, "in spite of your family background, I'm going to write straight on your crooked lines."

There was another incident where another family found themselves lost, and this family also made a wrong turn, but they made use of OnStar. OnStar simply means you are a member of a network, and when you are a member of a network, the network always knows where you are. All you have to do is call up the network, and because the network is connected to a satellite above the earth, it knows exactly where you are. You can't see the satellite, but if you find yourself lost, all you have to do is call OnStar, and OnStar will give you directions from where you are to where you should be. You are all right today, because God hooked you up with the network. You can't see God. God is above everything. But the good news is, if you get with the network, God will set you free, God will speak to you, and God will order your steps to even overcome the hot mess of your family background.

You need to know, that even though your family is a hot mess right now, you can have a future that is God blessed. I love this because the text lets us know that God specializes in giving you the power to reinvent yourself by giving you a makeover. To get a makeover means you were one way, but then somehow you came out another way that was better than the way you were, to the point where folks don't even recognize you. Have you seen those shows where they give a makeover to a house? That means they go into a situation that is jacked-up, then they renovate that house, and by the time they get through renovating it, you see something that is brand new. Now, if they can do that on TV for a house, don't you know there is a God above Who specializes in going into messed up lives and giving complete makeovers? As the song by Howard E. Smith says:

I was sinking deep in sin,

Far from the peaceful shore;

Very deeply stained within,

Sinking to rise no more.

But the Master of the sea,

Heard my despairing cry;

From the waters He lifted me,

Now safe am I.

The Bible tells us in II Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

The makeover begins when God allows you to come to the end of one chapter and He turns the page to begin the next chapter. All of Jacob's family mess took place in chapter thirty-four, which unfortunately ends on a bad note. It ends with Jacob's sons saying to him in response to Jacob asking them why had they killed those people: "you are just a wimp; we can't let them treat our sister like a prostitute."

It may seem like you're at the end of a chapter. Things may not be going well in your life. But, hold on; this just lets you know that you're at the end of a chapter, and a new chapter is about to begin.

Look at Genesis 35:1: "Then God." Because of those two words, I can stop right there and end this chapter. If these two words open up your next chapter, I promise you that your next chapter is going to be greater than your last chapter.

"Then God" means: God--Yahweh. God--Elohim. God--Jehovah-Jireh. God--Jehovah-Nissi. "Then God"--Jehovah-Shalom. "Then God"--Jehovah, My

Healer. "Then God"--Jehovah, My Shepherd. "Then God"--Emmanuel. "Then God"--Jehovah,  My Provider. "Then God"--heart fixer. "Then God"--mind regulator. "Then God"--burden bearer. "Then God"--heavy load sharer. "Then God"--rock in a weary land.

"Then God" showed up. That is all I need. I don't care how jacked-up my situation is, as long as God shows up! I don't care how badly I feel, as long as God shows up! I don't care how terrible things look, as long as God shows up!

God showed up and said to Jacob, "I'm going to change your name." The Scripture says, After Jacob returned from Paddan Aram, God appeared to him again and blessed him. God said to him, "Your name is Jacob, but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel." So he named him Israel. Now, like Jacob, you, too, are going from used to be to going to be.

All of us used to be something, but because God came into our situation, we went from used to be to going to be. God said, "what I'm going to do is change your name. I'm going to change what your parents put on you. Whatever your parents named you, that isn't going to be the name that is going to dictate the rest of your life." God is saying to you, "just because Daddy wasn't around, it doesn't mean that you can't be a good father. Just because

your parents drank, it doesn't mean that you have to drink. Just because your parents were on crack, it doesn't mean you have to be on crack." God wants to break the cycle right now, and He wants to break the cycle beginning with you.

I know what Mama did, but the cycle is broken. I know stuff didn't work out between Mama and Daddy, but the cycle is broken. Maybe you were abused, but it doesn't mean you have to be an abuser, or allow yourself to be abused. The cycle is broken, and it starts with you, because once God changes you, then everybody else has to adjust to your change. No, I am not who I used to be. No, I don't go where I used to go. No, I won't let you talk to me like you used to talk to me, because I am not the same person you used to talk to, and so if you are going to come to me, you had better come correctly or don't come at all. It's a new day! And I'm a new person!

The text also indicates, though the worst is behind you, the best is yet to come. The Scripture says: And God said to him, "I am God Almighty; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you, and kings will come from your body. The land I gave to Abraham and Isaac I also give to you, and I will give this land to your descendants after you." If you're not careful, you can allow what is behind you to confine you and define you, and it still affects you now.

In Exodus chapter three, you will discover that Moses' life is messed up. He is on the backside of the desert and God speaks to him through a bush that is burning, but isn't burning up. God says, "Moses, I'm going to use you to make a difference that is going to change this world." Moses says, "God, I do not have it like that." God says, "you have it because I'm going to use you to do it." Then Moses answers, "all right, but the folks are going to ask me what is Your name." And when Moses said that, God said, "Moses, what you want Me to do is define Myself, but if I define Myself, I'll confine Myself. See, one name isn't enough to really depict all that I am because sometimes I make a way out of no way. Other times, I heal. Other times, I open doors. Other times, I provide. Other times, I give you peace. If I just give you one name, that is going to put some limitations on Me. So, when the folks ask you to say My name, just tell them, I Am. Because that is all you need. Whatever you need, I Am. If you're hungry, I am bread. If you're thirsty, I am water. If you're locked in, I am the way out. If you're confused, I am your 'peace that passeth all understanding.'"

To Jacob He said, "I am God Almighty." The Hebrew word there is El Shaddai. If you want healing from family dysfunction, the healing begins when God puts a change in you, and when you have so much confidence in Who God is, that you are now conscious of Whose you are, and you are comforted in knowing what you will do.

God said, "I am El Shaddai." This word first appears in Genesis seventeen, when the Bible says that Abraham and Sarah laughed at God when He said, "Abraham, as old as you all are, you are going to have a child." Sarah cracked up. She was thinking, "there is no way we are going to have a child. In the first place, Viagra has not been invented, and in the second place, there is no Cialis around. To make matters worse, I'm post-menopausal. I do not have any children, and I am not going to have any children." My Bible tells me that God overheard Sarah laughing and said, "all right I'm going to show you who gets the last laugh." And the Bible says, God said, "My name is El Shaddai." What does El Shaddai mean? It means the Almighty, Omnipotent God Who is Self-Sustaining and specializes in bringing possibilities out of impossibilities. By the way, Abraham and Sarah did have a son. His name was Isaac.

So when God appeared to Jacob, He said: "I am El Shaddai; I'm Omnipotent; I'm Almighty; I specialize in bringing new possibilities out of terrible impossibilities; I specialize in new beginnings out of old messed up situations." And that is what God is saying to you right now: "I don't care how old and messed up your situation has been. I specialize in bringing new possibilities into a bad situation." Isn't that some good news? Regardless of how bad your family background may be, God specializes in making all things new. God will do a brand new thing. He will change your life, He will change your situation, and He will change you.

In the final analysis, make sure you commemorate what you anticipate. The Scripture says: "Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel." Commemorate what you anticipate.

I'll never forget when I went to Africa for the first time; I went to Abidjan, and they took us to this sister's house. On the wall of this sister's home is a mural. It didn't have a frame. Of course, we asked how that happened.

She said, "I was having a party here when I first moved in, and one of my neighbors splashed some grape soda on the wall which left a stain that I could not get out. I was upset because it was a beautiful white wall. No matter  what I tried, I just could not get the grape stain out. So my father says, 'Listen, baby, I'll take care of this.' And I said, 'But, Daddy, what am I going to do?' He said, 'Don't you worry, I'm going to take care of it. I've always come through for you, and I'll come through now.'"

Her daddy had her move out of the house for a week, and while she was gone, he hired an artist who was a friend of his. This artist is one of the best known artists on the West Coast of Africa. The artist painted a mural using the grape stain as background, and now the value of the house has escalated in such a marvelous fashion: first, because of the fact that there is a mural where there had just been white walls, and then, second, because of whose name is signed on the painting that is on the wall. What was a mess is now a masterpiece. This is what she said, "I trusted my Daddy, and left my house, and while I was away, my Daddy hired somebody to convert my mess into a masterpiece."

Well, if her earthly father did that for her, can you imagine what a masterpiece your Heavenly Father will produce out of your family mess?

Jacob commemorates what he anticipates. The text says, he names the place Bethel which means "house of God." Jacob recognizes his family has been a hot mess, and now he renames his mess the House of God. If you want your family to go from a hot mess to a house of God, I dare you to rename your household, and say from now on, this is God's house, this is God's kitchen, this is God's bedroom, this is God's living room--this is the house of God! Even though your family may be a hot mess, your future is God blessed.