Why is Loving You Hurting Me?, by Frederick D. Haynes III

Have you ever had a wonderful dream hijacked by a heartbreaking nightmare? The nightmare rendered you helpless, and before you knew it, you were hopeless, as no exit seemed to hang over the door of your nightmarish situation. Have you ever had something to begin so right and yet, somehow take a devastatingly wrong turn, and in spite of every attempt on your part to make things turn out right, things kept getting worse and worse?

Every now and then, regardless of who you are, you can begin with high hopes and yet things go devastatingly wrong, so much so that it appears that what began as a noble dream has been hijacked by a negative nightmare. And for some of you, that is really how life has turned out.

Well, let me see if I can make this plain by focusing the lens even more. There is no sadder story than the one of Tamar, found in the thirteenth chapter of second Samuel. Tamar is the daughter of King David, and Tamar happens to be extremely beautiful, yet, Tamar soon discovered that the beauty she had going for her ended up being used against her. I think I'll park here, parenthetically, because for some of you, what you have going for you has been sadly used against you. Perhaps it's the way God has blessed you to look; perhaps it's the education you have been blessed to achieve; but whatever the case, it is some gift that God has blessed you with, that sadly, has turned out to be something that haters and others are using against you. This happens to Tamar. The Book says that she is exceedingly beautiful and yet, her beauty gets her in trouble. Why? Because she has a half-brother, by the name of Amnon, and Amnon begins to lust after her. Amnon is so crazy with lust for Tamar that the Bible says: he became sick because of his love for her. Amnon is a sick man because Amnon wants to have his own sister. Sick people do sick things that will infect and affect others who are around them.

You may know what it's like to be sick and you may be doing things that are making you sick. Not only are you making yourself sick, but your "sickness" is infecting and affecting others that you supposedly care about. Not only is Amnon sick, but to heal this sickness, he consults with his street smart cousin, who tells him how to get with his own sister. He lets his father, David, know that he is sick, and he wants his sister, David's daughter, to come and feed him out of her hand. The Bible says that David allows Tamar to go to her sick brother, and when she got there Amnon made her cook the food that he desired. As soon as the food was ready, the Bible says that Amnon had everybody put out; he then went into his bedroom and called in Tamar. Tamar innocently went into the room of Amnon and he raped her.

Can you not hear the helpless screams of Tamar as she says, please don't do this? This is a terrible thing to do. But being physically stronger than Tamar, Amnon because of his sickness, takes advantage of Tamar. Imagine how Tamar must have felt. She must have felt something similar to what Ludacris articulates in the song, "Runaway Love," about poor little Lisa:

For some of you, the one thing you don't want to do is go home. As a matter of fact, for some people the one place they look forward to not going to is home. Some of you spend as much time away from home as you can because of the hell you are catching at home. Why? Because I've discovered that hell is not merely an eschatological destination that you will go to after you die if you are without Christ; hell can be an existential situation that you find yourself in, even if you love Christ. In other words, hell can come to you right where you live. That is what happened to Tamar. Tamar is a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault. I'm dealing with this because sadly and shamefully, domestic violence has become the pink elephant in the living room of the African-American community. Some of us go to church, Sunday after Sunday, not realizing that there are people in our pews, sitting there, silently suffering. Yes, they are praising God, but they are internally shattered and broken by the hell they are catching at home.

Let me see if I can make this plain to you. I read an interesting story about this sister over in Austria. She went to a hospital for abdominal surgery. When she got to the hospital, she went through prep and all of that stuff, and then it was time for the surgery. They gave her a muscle relaxer to relax the muscles in her body and she soon found herself incapable of moving. A machine was placed adjacent to the bed, and it was supposed to release the anesthesia that was going to put her to sleep. Forty-five minutes into the surgery, a doctor walked in and noticed that the lady was lying there with tears flowing down her cheeks. He then noticed that someone had forgotten to hook the machine up so that it could release the anesthesia into her body. Consequently, for forty-five minutes this lady had been opened up and because the muscle relaxer was already working in her system, all she could do was lay there and silently suffer. Can you not hear her silent screams as she is immobilized, incarcerated in her own pain? Can you not feel her pain even right now as she sees no exit out of her painful predicament?

God may have you reading this chapter for a reason. Why? Because you may be silently suffering; nobody knows the trouble you've seen; nobody knows your sorrow. Even though you may be a saint in the sanctuary, even though you are a Christian in church, you are a suffering saint because you are being victimized by domestic violence and abuse.

You might be asking, "well, what is domestic violence and what does it look like?" Notice, if you will, that domestic violence and abuse comes when one is trying to dominate another and will exert a power that is designed to render the person incapable of getting out of that situation. Domestic violence means you have been so violated, physically, psychologically, emotionally, economically, or even spiritually, that you feel you are handcuffed by helplessness and there is no way out of the situation in which you find yourself.

Sometimes domestic violence manifests itself physically, in that the physical abuse is either directly or indirectly coming in your direction. By indirectly, we mean the abuser throws objects, not at you, but around you. They are so volatile in their temper that it literally renders you psychologically fearful, and you find yourself wondering if the violence is ever going to come your way. Now, there is also direct violence where somebody has been physically hit, hurt, and wounded by somebody they thought loved them and who they certainly thought they loved. They were supposed to take care of you, yet, they begin to hurt you--physically.

So, there is physical abuse, but then there is also psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is when you live under the threat all of the time of being hurt or wounded. Psychological abuse has many manifestations, such as neglect or rejection.

Not only is there psychological abuse, but there is also economic abuse, where one person is controlling the money. The abuser is a control freak. He has to control somebody, and so he controls you, sometimes economically.

And then other times they will attempt to control you spiritually. You see that is why you have to be careful about believing that if you find somebody in the church you found your Heaven-sent man or woman. The Bible says that a tree is known by the fruit it bears. So I don't care if

they go to church; if they are not bearing the "fruit of the spirit"--love, joy, peace, long suffering, etc., that is not the man or woman for you. Someone who engages in spiritual abuse will literally use the Bible, the Word of God, to control you and to keep you in your place. They will know just enough Scripture to use it as a weapon on you, as opposed to using it to edify you.

Abuse and domestic violence go on much too often in our community. We are a community of the walking wounded--of persons who have been abused as elders, for there is elderly abuse as well. In too many of our nursing homes, our seniors are sadly and sinfully abused. In too many instances, we have children who have been physically and emotionally abused. And then there is the abuse that goes on between couples.

That is what I'm dealing with because that is the pink elephant in the living room of our community. Sadly, churches have stuck their heads in the sand, while we have members who are suffering in silence, believing that they can claim their way out of their situation, when in reality, they need some help, they need some healing, they need some treatment, and they need some support.

Let me strongly say here, there is no shame in getting some counseling. There is no shame in getting some help. The shame is to stay in a situation where you are abusing someone, or you are being abused. You do have a choice. You can make a decision. Nothing has to stay the way it is unless you give your permission.

Our text is an interesting and insightful case study of domestic violence or abuse. You say there is no physical abuse in this passage. You are right. Even though Leah was not physically abused, she was physically violated. I will come to that matter a little later, because by way of context, Leah's nightmare began when Jacob fell in love with her sister, Rachel.

The Bible lets us know that Jacob came to a well, and a honey, by the name of Rachel, came up, and Jacob was so in love with how this woman looked and carried herself, he let it be known that he wanted to hook up with her. The Bible tells us that Laban, her father, said, "before you can have my baby girl, you are going to have to work seven years." Jacob was glad to work for Rachel, but at the end of the seven years, Jacob found himself in a bad situation.

Why? Because the wedding party is on, and evidently Jacob had had too many trips to the bowl where they were serving wine. The Book lets us know that Jacob did not know that his uncle, Laban, had switched sisters on him. So, instead of ending up in his wedding bed that night with Rachel, he wakes up the next day only to discover that he had slept with Leah, and not Rachel.

Imagine how Leah must have felt to be put in a situation with a man who did not want her. But here is the bad thing--Leah's abuse began because her father set her up to be in a relationship that brought her down. Sisters, if you are not careful, and you do not properly process the relationship that you had or did not have with your father, you will become a magnet for men who come in your life and bring about the same pain and hurt that your father brought in your life and in the life of your mother. It all began because Laban set her up to be brought down. Laban, how low-down can you be? Why would you set your daughter up to be brought down? Why would you set your daughter up to be rejected?

Fathers, you need to recognize your important responsibility, and that is, you are marking your child's future. If you have a daughter, that daughter falls in love with you first, and then that daughter sees you as the model for all of the men that will later come in her life. If she sees a low model, then she is going to have low men attracted to her. So brothers, I don't care what you feel about your baby's mama, it's time to step up and handle your business because we have to save our future generations from further abuse.

As I moved through the text, it kept bothering me, because Leah was in this bad situation and the question is: Leah, what do you do when you get in a bad situation such as this? The text says Leah was unloved. Genesis 29:31 says: When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. I looked up the Hebrew rendering for 'not loved' and the Hebrew word is much stronger. The Hebrew word says that Leah was "hated." As a matter of fact, the word for "hate" means that she was violently hated. She was so violently hated that she experienced Jacob not wanting to be in her presence. She's a victim of domestic violence and domestic abuse. The question again is: Leah, what do you do when you are in a situation like that? Look at what Leah does. Leah tried to exchange sexual healing to get a loving feeling.

That is what sisters often do. Sisters wrongfully believe that if they give up the sex, then somehow the man will start to love her. No, brothers are not wired like that. Brothers are wired in such a way that when sex is going down, all they are concerned about is that good feeling that sex gives them. Once they have achieved that good feeling, as far as they are concerned, it is time to turn over and go to sleep. Why? Because it was about reaching that climax, and once he gets what he wants, his mentality is: hit it, quit it, and forget it.

So the Bible says that Leah gave him sex. Genesis 29:32 says: Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, "It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now." Of course, after the sex came the pregnancy. Many sisters believe that maybe if he gets me pregnant, I can keep him. First, Leah gave him some. Then, she got pregnant. Then, she had a baby. But the text lets us know that nothing Leah did changed how Jacob felt about her. Sisters, I don't care how much you give him sex; I don't care if you have a baby by him, that is not going to keep him. As a matter of fact, that is going to drive him further away from you. Quit trying to use sex to keep a man! Quit trying to get pregnant to keep a man! It does not work.

Hold on, it gets worse. The text says, she keeps having baby after baby after baby. She doesn't just have one. She keeps going back for more and more and more. Why? Because there is a cycle going on here. Whenever you are a victim of abuse, you always get caught up in a cycle. Do you see the cycle in the text? The text says that she sleeps with him, gets pregnant by him, and hopes he'll love her, he does not love her; so she sleeps with him again, gets pregnant by him, and hopes he'll love her, but he does not love her; so she sleeps with him, gets pregnant by him, and so forth. My question to you is: Are you in a cycle where you keep going through the same old stuff, and ending up at the same old place?

The good news is: that cycle can be broken. There is healing and there is hope. The choice is yours to make a change. I'm not saying change him or change her, because quiet as it's kept, there are men who have also been abused; there are men who have been neglected and rejected as well. But the good news today is: You can choose to experience change. You can't change them, but you can allow God to change you. And once God changes you, hopefully, you will then begin to make choices that will bring about a permanent change.

Some of you may still be thinking about the woman I wrote about who was forty-five minutes into surgery, without any pain medication. Well, the good news is: her situation changed. How? The doctor came in and after noticing that the pain machine was not hooked up, he hooked her up. Not only that, but the doctor helped her to get a settlement of over $100,000.00. In a real sense, her situation changed when the doctor came in.

I want you to know that I serve a God Who is so good; He is a Doctor in the sick room. And if you let the Doctor come in, the Doctor will hook you up. Have you been hooked up by my Doctor? He'll make you feel better-- that's the hookup. He'll make you stronger--that's the hookup. He'll give you peace--that's the hookup. He'll give you joy--that's the hookup. He'll give you love-- that's the hookup. He'll give you power--that's the hookup!

Let me leave with you three things that I know will bless you.

The text lets us know that when you are going through the bad, God will bless you in it, so that you can still get some good out of it. 

Have you ever looked back over past situations and it seems as though God gave you just enough to get through each day? You should have gone crazy; you should have gone coastal or ballistic; but instead, God kept giving you just enough grace to bring you through.

Have you ever had some time relief medicine? Time relief medicine releases its medication just when the pain starts to hurt. God has a way of giving us time relief blessings. God says: I know you're hurting right now, but I'm going to give you just enough to get you through the day. As the Psalmist said: "Morning by morning new mercies I see." God is so faithful and He knows what is coming in my day; when I wake up in the morning God has already injected me with just enough mercy to handle what's bringing me misery.

The text says, "but because Leah was hated, the Lord." When the Lord saw that Leah was being abused, the Lord said, I'm going to do something for you that I am not doing for other folks. I'm going to give you something that will elevate your status in this sick situation. And the Bible says the Lord opened up her womb and she became pregnant.

Now, let me tell you something, I'm so glad that James Cone radically transformed theology in the '60s because James Cone looked at American theology, which was a theology from the top down, and said, "You all got it wrong. When I read the Bible, I don't see God as a top-down God, I see God as a bottom-up God." And God is the God of the oppressed. God always sides with those who are abused, misused, and downtrodden. I am sorry for anybody who thinks that God is on their side because they're on top. No, when you read Scripture, God always showed up on the side of the Hebrew and Egyptian slaves. God shows up on the side of those who are underdogs and so you can't even read our history without testifying if it had not been for the Lord on our side. You may be living in a home where the situation is unfavorable for you. Here is what God is saying to you: "I'm going to come on your side, and make a difference."

While growing up at Third Baptist Church under my father's pastoralship, Cazzie Russell joined our church. Cazzie Russell played for the Golden State Warriors. He was a 3-point shooter before there was a 3-point shot. The boy was just bad. Cazzie would come to the gym while we were playing basketball on Monday nights. We had teams at the church and we would play each other often. We would have a wonderful time of fellowship, where we got to grow and to know each other.

One day, we are playing a game and the team that I'm on was getting spanked. I mean, it was downright abusive what the other team was doing to us. Cazzie is standing on the sidelines trying to give us pointers on how to play the game. Seeing that my team is getting abused, he calls timeout, and says to us, "Listen, for the rest of the game, I'm going to play on this team." With Cazzie on our side, immediately the game began to shift. We began to run faster because we knew if Cazzie was passing us the ball, all we had to do was be in the right place at the right time, and Cazzie would get an assist and we would get a  lay up. And then, when our shots weren't falling, we knew if we just passed the ball to Cazzie that Cazzie would make shots that we couldn't make ourselves. Cazzie made all of us better. Cazzie made our game elevate, to the point of us winning the game that we were suppose to lose. When did the game shift? It shifted when Cazzie got on our side.

If you feel you are losing, your game can shift when you let the Lord in on your side, because when God is on your side, God will elevate your game. God will elevate your expectations.

The text says that Leah gave birth. Here's your treatment. Your treatment lets you know that in the midst of your abusive situation, God blesses you in it, by allowing you to give birth to something new, even through labor pains. The text says that she gave birth to something new.

Only God can use the hell you're going through to do something brand new for you that you would not have experienced had you not been through that hell.

Some of you are where you are right now, not because you have chosen to be there, but because you have gone through enough hell, where God had to shut some doors in order for him to usher you into where you are right now. God does not want you to suffer, but He is allowing your suffering and He is using your abuse to bring you to where you need to be.

Have you ever heard the story about that little girl who was desperately afraid of a storm as it raged one night, and how she kept calling for her Daddy? Daddy came in the room and she said, "Daddy, I'm afraid of the storm." Daddy said, "Baby, I'm right there." She said, "Well, Daddy, will you hold me through the storm." And Daddy said, "Of course I will, baby." And Daddy held his baby girl through the storm. When the morning dawned, the storm had passed over and had given way to a brilliant, radiant sunlight. As the sunlight came into her room through the window, the little girl couldn't help but look up and say, "Daddy, look at what a beautiful day it is. Can you believe as bad as last night was that today is so beautiful?"

And Daddy said, "Yes, baby." Here is her insightful interpretation: "Daddy, you know what happened? You held me through the storm and God used the storm to make way for the beautiful day."

When I heard that story, it dawned on me that the little girl was on to something, and that is: only God can hold you in the midst of what is messing with you. And while God is holding you, God is using the storm to set the stage for a brand new day. The Psalmist tells us that: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psychologists and counselors say that whenever you're in an abusive situation, you are in a cycle: (1) honeymoon--where everyone is happy; everything feels good. (2) After the honeymoon stage, they say there's the kitchen stage. The kitchen is when the relationship begins to build; the finger is on the trigger; the gun has been cocked, and so it's tension now. (3) But, then you move beyond tension to explosion, (4) and after explosion there is apology. After apology, you go back to honeymoon. But then honeymoon gives way to tension, tension then gives way to explosion, explosion then gives way to apology, and apology becomes honeymoon.

Have you been through this kind of thing? You knew the honeymoon was good, but then the tension has you on edge. As a matter of fact, you can't even enjoy the honeymoon because you don't know when the honeymoon is going to give way to tension.

The text says in Genesis 29:32-34: Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, "It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely

my husband will love me now." She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too." So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." So he was named Levi. When she has her fourth child, she says, "you know what, bunk Jacob, now I'm going to praise God." Genesis 29:35: She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.

Let me help you here because this is very important-- you can't change Jacob. I don't care how much sex you give him, how many gifts you buy him, how compliant you are around him--you cannot change Jacob! Jacob is who Jacob is. Only God can change Jacob. Quit trying to change somebody, because the only way you can qualify to change somebody is you have got to lead a perfect life, die on the cross, and rise from the dead.

Jacob is who he is because he got it from his daddy. Jacob got his identity from home. So, you are trying to change what he got from home. Remember, Jacob means "conniving, scheming trickster." He was given that name by his family, and spent the rest of his life living down to the identity his family gave him. Only when God met him by the river and changed him by wrestling with him all night long, did Jacob change. So quit trying to do what

is only in God's job description. You can't change Jacob, but you can change your mind.

Do you see what happened here? The text says that she changed her mind. I love the treatment process of God. God gives her treatment because every time she has a child, except for when she had Levi, she connects it with God. The unfortunate thing was that she named her children according to her pain. She marked and stamped  her children based upon how she was being abused. If your situation is abusive, please get out of there. Why? Because it's not just you, your child may suffer as well; your child is being abused also, your child is being marked and marred also.

She connects her misery with God: "Reuben--the Lord has noticed my misery;" Simeon--"the Lord heard I was unloved;" Judah--"praise the Lord." How did the cycle get broken? The cycle got broken when she shifted her focus from trying to get love from Jacob to just praising the Lord. It dawned on her: "you know what, I can't change him, but I can change me. To change me, I'm going to hook up with the God above me." The text says, she just began to praise the Lord.

Praise will alter your disposition so that you can overcome your abusive situation. Keep on going to church, keep on praising God, because there is power in praise. I don't know about you, but sometimes I go to church not feeling my best, but then the choir sings my song, the preacher preaches my message, and God uses the praise to heal me.

I love this. Leah names him Judah, and out of the tribe of Judah, came the Lion of Judah. The Lion of Judah was born in Bethlehem, raised in Nazareth, ministered in a desert place, died one dark Friday, and when He died, He was abused, but God used His abuse for my healing. He was wounded for my transgressions, bruised for my iniquity, the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and with His stripes, we are healed.

Leah names him Judah. The word in Hebrew is Yehudah. It means "praise leads to thanksgiving." What does she have to be thankful for? Her husband doesn't love her, but that isn't her focus any more. And once your focus changes, God gives you a new outlook, and the outlook changes how you feel on the inside. Once you change what's on the inside, you change your outlook, and you know you are going to have a better outcome. So, just begin to thank God in the midst of the stuff you are going through and for the stuff that God is doing for you. In the midst of the stuff, thank God for watching over you; thank God you still have your right mind; thank God for a reasonable portion of health and strength. In spite of the tragedies that are going on around us, all I can say is, "thank you, Lord, for all You have done for me. Thank You for watching over me. Thank You for taking good care of me."

Yadah is "praise that leads to thanksgiving." Yadah also means "to extend your hands." Guess what: You use your hands in other areas of your life. You use your hands to express when you're mad; You use your hands to express when you're happy; You use your hands to express when you don't feel good; so why don't you use your hands to say "thank you"?

My best memories of Abeni Jewel, my daughter, are from when she was my little baby. I won't forget one time she had fallen down and was hurt. Guess what she did? Abeni did not just sit there trying to be sophisticated, cultivated, and dignified. Abeni knew her Daddy was in the atmosphere, and so knowing that, she held up both hands. Guess what? I did not say, "You little charismatic. Shame on you for holding up your hands. Put your hands down!" No, my baby was wounded and was holding up those hands. By holding up her hands, she was simply saying, I want to be closer to you. By holding up those hands, she was saying, I can't handle this hurt by myself. By holding up those hands, she was saying, If I can just get close to you, I know I'll feel a whole lot better. And when she held up those hands, I rushed to my baby, I picked her up, and once I picked her up, guess what? She stopped crying all together. She was still wounded, but she was in Daddy's arms. She was still hurting, but she was in Daddy's arms.

Have you been hurt or wounded? I dare you to hold up your hands to God, and say, "thank You for being my Father. Thank You for watching over me. Thank You. Now I need You like never before." He will pick you up He will turn you around. Don't be discouraged because: "joy comes in the morning." God is standing by. There's healing for your sorrow. There's healing for your pain. There is a balm in Gilead. "He was wounded for my transgressions." God will heal you!