As I’m sitting in the back of the cop car, I watch officers bring my children out of our home. My wife is at the hospital, where she reported my assault. We had just gotten back from a trip to South Africa. My wife and I had an argument and I decided to physically remove her from our bedroom. In doing so, I assaulted her. I abused my wife physically. I pleaded guilty. I wasn’t guilty of all that was reported, like hitting her with a bar stool, but I was guilty of assaulting my wife. There’s no excuse. Part of my probation was a group class with other men cited for domestic violence. That class changed my life.
I thought that night when things became physical was the extent of my being an abusive husband. Once I started therapy, I realized I was worse off than I’d thought. In the last few years, I discovered there are many forms of abuse that happen in relationships—and only one of them is physical. As I began to look at myself, I saw so many different forms that I had perpetrated against my wife that affected my kids.
I originally thought, I’m here because I lost my temper. I won’t do it again. Anger is a secondary response to a primary emotion. We feel hurt or betrayed and we respond in anger. But the real issue is power and control. I had a big problem: I had to be in control. When you’re not in control, you become anxious. You respond sometimes in a rage and you’re on edge. My controlling behavior was the real root of my problem.
Psychological and emotional bullying, isolation, intimidation, coercion and threats are all abuse. Economic control is a huge form of abuse, in which one partner in the relationship takes charge of the money to control the person.
For me to get the help I needed, I had to take down the defenses to accountability, which are minimizing, justifying, denying and blaming. Two years ago I would have been making a lot of excuses and making light of what happened.
Someone doesn’t have to hit, grab or push you to abuse you. Putting you down, intimidating you or making you afraid are all abuse.
I grew up the son of a pastor, and I never saw my father hurt my mother. I thought an abuser was only someone who beat women. All the men in my counseling room say we always said we would never hit a woman and we despised any man who would ever be such a coward and put their hands on a woman. And yet, there we were.
We’ve been trained as young boys—even from the church—that we have to be the man and that women should submit. We are told to run our house and that whenever we’re not in control of our house, we’re not being the man of God that we’re supposed to be. That’s a lie.
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As Told To Charreah K. Jackson